Camino con café, musica y amor (Engl.) - Introduction

Camino con café, musica y amor

-

Diary of a finder

Bekenntnis und Versuch

Zeugnis soll dies sein

im Namen meines Vaters

und in der Zunge meiner Mutter

und zu Ehren meiner unbesiegten Sonne

nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen

will ich bekennen

was ich schaute und was ich sah

was ich dachte und erkannte

wohin ich ging und wohin mich meine Schritte führten

wen ich traf und was mich traf

wer glauben kann, mag glauben

wer zweifeln muss, soll zweifeln

doch ohne Lüge, treues Bild

ein Bekenntnis meiner

soll dies Zeugnis sein

Tom Hagemeister

Berlin 27.September 2016

1.Introduction - Who I am and why I need to write

My name is Tom, a name derived from Hebrew Thomas “Twin”, a bulls-eye I would tend to say.

Fully Tom Hagemeister and I'm calling myself nursing philosopher, poet and dilettantish singer-songwriter.

But over all I am a preacher of love.

I'm convinced that's what all is about, what drives us, what we are seeking for, what lets us grieve in its absence and makes us feeling lonely and weak but also strengthening our spine and inspiring to happiness when it is there.

I recently arrived back from my third Camino and feel the need to share my experiences with everyone who wants to listen and read.

This is a story about solitude and company, about doubts and believing, about human desire and the spiritual happiness, we all are looking for. I would like to call it a story bout love, a true Love-Story.

Ohne Titel II

07.04.1999

Wirr der Kopf

er will nicht schweigen

jener stete quellend Reigen

dir zum Ruhme singend Worte

plagen mich an jedem Orte

kann nicht schlafen

kann nicht essen

kann und will dich nicht vergessen

bist alles was ich will, begehre

bis der Grund das ich verzehre

mich in Sehnsucht in Verlangen

doch vergebens, bist gegangen

On the fourth of April 1999 a loss crushed into my life & ego as it happens to so many young. Just some weeks before I fell in love with a beautiful girl and was successful in gaining her affection - or at least I thought so. But after only twelve days she broke up with me, out of reasons that will play a role in the following stories too. From the just gained heaven I felt pushed down into hell but one thing remained. I could not forget that I wept tears of happiness holding her in my arms. But the following pain felt disconnected, was reasonable, was so different in how it worked compared to the earlier joy.

I was somehow convinced that it can't have its origin in my unreasonable love to her.

That was the day when I started seeking, trying to understand what love is and where the real reason of its pain can be found.

My search drove me into more than three years of death-wanting depression, made me turn away from the things that fascinated me before. My aunt gave me a first hint to look into religion and book by book I learned more about what other seekers already found out. I put away the given advice and the “Celestine prophecy”, found them “much too white” and started with Aleister Crowleys “Magick” instead, discovered Blavatskys & Steiners Theosophy and somehow stumbled over Annie Besants Comment, the voice of silence and the ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism. Thorwald Detlefsen gave with “Schicksal als Chance” other important impulses. Still driven by pain and the desperate search for ways to silence my crying heart, I decided in idealistic absolutism of the young to retreat into a Buddhist monastery in Kandersteg/Switzerland to study their ways in appropriate “style”.

Although I only stayed there for little more than one week, I learned lessons for my life.

During meditation I was able to stop thinking for an endless moment and when I awoke I was weeping out of happiness again.

An experience that continued to give me strength & trust in every following dark and doubting moment of my further life.

My favourite image to describe this feeling is my convincing, that I could sit naked inside of a desert - still I would have everything in me to be happy - if I'm able to let time go and find it – and the possibility of this is proved by own experience!

इन्द्रं॑ मि॒त्रं वरु॑णम॒ग्निमा॑हु॒रथो॑ दि॒व्यः स सु॑प॒र्णो ग॒रुत्मा॑न् ।
एकं॒ सद्विप्रा॑ बहु॒धा व॑दन्त्य॒ग्निं य॒मं मा॑त॒रिश्वा॑नमाहुः ॥४६॥
Ṛg Veda 1.164.46

I also discovered that I don't need to learn new languages and rituals, all that Buddha once said is the same the Bible is about, two religions are talking bout love all the time - I needed to study and find out more! Now I enjoyed and understand what “Celestine Prophecy” was written about – a book worth reading. Another treasure was a lucky find in an antique shop - “Die großen Eingeweihten” by Eduard Schoure, engraved into the book cover a symbol that hopefully soon will be engraved into my skin too, no longer only in my soul.

Around this time my aunt made me a rare present and introduced me into the first grade of Reiki, something that proved theories with existence too. She also gave me two books with great impact on me – Armin Risi's “Der multidimensionale Kosmos” & Barbara Ann Brennans “Licht-Heilung”.

So I went back to Germany, wanting to start philosophical studies and comparative religious science. I was not able to begin immediately, cause I missed the start at university in Berlin. I tried to cover the time by studying computer science, something I was interested in throughout my youth. But soon I found out that the quantity of numbers didn't mean anything to me any longer, the quality of numbers was now what fascinated me.

So after only one semester I finally moved to Berlin and switched over to philosophy and comparative religious science. What I learned there and why I stopped it after 2 ½ years, I will also explain in more detail in the stories of this book. I was reading Cusanus & Aurelius Augustinus and stumbled over “Kasskara und die sieben Welten” hunting for a girl. I fought for Rudolf Steiners “Aus der Akasha-Chronik” and fled Nietsche, twisted my head delightful with Heiddegger and only formal logic was frightening me a lot. I collected pieces of knowledge from the holy books, studied the surface of Kabbalah, Bhagavad Gita and Bible, read ancient legends & stories, discovered Rumi, Teresa of Ávila and St.Francis of Assisi. I learned to change perspective, to argue,to listen and to point out flaws. Finally I made my peace with the church, saw her core and no longer only her clothes.

Unfortunately it turned out that after a while it was quite impossible to communicate what I learned to people that were outside of my academical sphere. This and the events that shook the world in 2003 (Iraq war of Bush II.) convinced me that I need to learn something practical in addition.

Out of a sudden impulse I stopped my studies (at least at university) and started a nursing education.

In this period of my life I also met the second earth-shaking woman of my life.

She changed my view of reality significantly as I learned to accept my desire as a necessary part of my existence. An indivisible, unavoidable but also incredible exiting challenge and task.

And I wept again...after the first real hopeless and believing prayer, filled by humility after an answer of love and compassion.

At the end of my nursing education I fell in love with the third woman.

She taught me  about the importance of lust and accompanied me for nearly three years.

Her lessons were out of joy and pain, a shaking dose of living the life!

I owe her a lot and unfortunately she is the only one I lost contact with. I left in anger and hurt pride and it took long to find back.

The little time left, while learning to enjoy living life, was filled with reading whatever was in reach and trying to puzzle together my perspective of reality. A product and symbol of this time is my still incomplete “Griechische Theogonie”.

Since then I'm working as a nurse for different companies, first caring for people who need artificial breathing, later for the famous German hospital Charité at an urological/ nephrologic station with specialisation on kidney transplantation.

After that I started to gain some experience in dialysis and now I'm trying to prepare myself with help of a temporary employment agency for working on a cruise ship to learn more about the world.

I read first about the Camino during my depression period in the famous book “The pilgrimage” written by Paulo Coelho. Instantly I found the idea to walk it on my own highly appealing, but still it was a long time to go till I finally made it.

Funnily my younger cousin gave me the final push into practice as he walked it instead of just talking about the idea.

Inspired by the Way he came back in love, infected by the Camino fever, soon planning his second one.

He invited me to join and so I did. We decided to try out the Portuguese way and started 2012 in Porto for a trip of around 220 km. It was an great experience, although I carried a lot of emotional burden with me, still hurt in my masculine pride by the break-up more than 2 years prior. But the Camino rewarded me instantly and I won the heart of an amazing woman from England…and of course she conquered mine easily too. Although the conditions were difficult, I shared wonderful 1½ years with her, but out of my mistakes her doubts made it impossible for us to continue our way together. But I learned a very important lesson, I found out which kind of woman I want to have at my side, someone to compete and rest with, equally challenge and reward. She gave me lessons in compassion and awareness, in strength, respect and consequence. I found trusting in Truth and Love rewarded and in reach of fulfilment. How could I give up search now ?!

Less than half a year afterwards I started my second Camino, this time alone and on the Northern route with 330km to go.

Honestly my main motivation was to come over the self-owed loss and to get back into the mood that made me so happy on my first way. And it worked out, although it happened in an unexpected way. After around half of the distance I met a Slovak woman and she enchanted me in a completely different way with her style to look at and live the world. Although we didn't manage to find to each other on the Camino, I visited her shortly afterwards in Bratislava and another important period of my life began.

Unfortunately we did not manage to develop our relationship in depth and stayed for too long on the surface of our personalities. Much too soon we started to live next to each other instead together, loosing our desire to discover and that crushed the hope of a joyful future perspective. So I made the painful decision of continuing my way alone again. But the lesson learned was nonetheless important, 'cause I learned what I don't want in life, what I can't bear and how difficult it sometimes can be to follow your heart, how easy it is to fall asleep in satisfaction, how painful and still how rewarding it is to risk everything for love.

pilgrimage

25.9.2014

May the hills be steep and stony
May the way cross road and field
On and on my feet are walking
And love and faith they are my shield
May the sun burn hot down on me
May the wind blow in my face
May the rain will keep on falling
Ev'rywhere I see your grace
May my feet be full of blisters
May my knees explode in pain
This pilgrimage is never ending
To much to earn, to much to gain
My camino to Santiago
Is just a symbol for the way
That will last as long I'm breathin
And make me loving day by day

Dedicated to the teachers of my live, the pilgrims I met and the women I love,

to lust, to longing and to love

Now 2016 was the third Camino ahead, the plan was to start in Salamanca on the Via de la Plata - for a distance of around 440km, through lonely, sunburned fields, barren plains and scattered small villages.

Somehow I was convinced I would find love again and so I did - although in a way I never had expected.

This story feels worth to remember and in words and pictures I'll write it down.

At this point I want to end the introduction and start with the stories about my Camino con café, musica y amor, my story of finding love...

Demut

2002

Gnädig bleibt der Schleier des Vergessens
eingefaltet in sich ruhn
hell in Gottes Licht getaucht
strahlt immer noch vergangnes Tun
wenn das Wort und der Gedanke
dem Glanz der Morgensonnen gleichen
wie sollt die Herrlichkeit der Welten
dem Dunkel des Vergessens weichen
In Gottes Liebe eingehüllt
wovon das Wort kann niemals zeugen
befiehlt es sich in Dankbarkeit

und demutsvoll das Haupt zu beugen